remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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