I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
