Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
