shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
