She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
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