There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
