i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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