I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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