He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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