i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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