Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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