We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
