I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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