Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
My dick has a subreddit
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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