This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
