I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
