is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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