why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
