Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
