She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
