and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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