Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
