burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
