I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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