got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I don't want my vagina anymore.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
