we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
