Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Randomize
