My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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