I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
