i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
