I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
