I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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