My sheets look like a crime scene.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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