I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
can u get pink eye on your cock?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
