so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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