one two three fourrrrnication!
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
