I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
is that a dick in a sweater?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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