I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
