I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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