they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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