so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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