I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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