You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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