just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
