Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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