her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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