my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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