I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize
