can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
