so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize