the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
