guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
We got so high we made milksteak
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
