High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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