Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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