No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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