onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize