Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i will never coherently bang her
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You brought string cheese to the strip club
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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