he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
