Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
cat food counts as protein by the way
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
