apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
