Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
