We had to coat check the pizza.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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