Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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