I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
