you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
