I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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