I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
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